We’ve all heard the advice that good communication is key to maintaining healthy relationships. But, what makes communication good? And how can you practice good communication in tense, high-emotion situations?
Especially for people who experience their feelings deeply and fully, “keeping a level head” during conflict can feel like an impossible task. For others, it might even feel a bit inauthentic to set aside the intensity of their feelings and focus on communicating in a calm way.
It’s true that the benefits of skillful communication are numerous, and the good news is that anyone can become a better communicator with the proper support and practice. As with any other skill, good communication takes time to learn and develop.
When Emotions are High
Have you ever been in a tense conversation with a loved one or co-worker, and suddenly been unable to respond as logically as you’d like to? It’s possible that your body has gone into fight-or-flight mode due to heightened stress. When your brain perceives a threat, even in situations where you are not in physical danger, it releases hormones designed to help you fight (or escape) that threat.
In today’s world, the source of stress is very rarely a charging lion or falling rocks. But we need to slow down to get out of our “animal” brain which all info passes through at the brain stem and into the logical brain which is our cortex. Stress hormones can interfere with communication by overriding our logical thought processes and readying our body for “danger”… even if that danger is just your partner expressing frustration or anger about a situation.
For some people, high emotions make it extremely difficult to proceed during conflict in a calm or kind manner. It is important to give ourselves the grace and understanding that hormones and past trauma often play a role in the intensity of our reactions. However, it’s also important to take responsibility for our reactions and responses as we learn to communicate better through those moments of extreme stress or high emotion.
The Wise Mind Approach
One tool that can be beneficial for those looking to become better communicators is the practice of using your “wise mind” when making decisions or approaching difficult conversations.
The concept of the “Wise Mind” was first named by Marsha M. Linehanthe, who founded dialectical behavior therapy. It refers to finding the space between the purely emotional mind and the purely reasoning mind. Instead of making decisions or responding to conflict from one extreme or the other, those who can practice using their wise mind will be able to honor their emotions while drawing from logic to reach a more balanced state of mind.
How can a wise mind approach help you become a better communicator? Imagine that you are in a fight with your partner, and they express that they are frustrated with something going on in the relationship.
A purely emotional response might result in a defensive or explosive reaction.
A strictly rational response will often lead to your partner feeling as if their concerns are being dismissed or explained away. This often leads to them becoming defensive themselves, or perhaps shutting down and no longer communicating their feelings and needs at all.
A wise mind response would be one that acknowledges and honors the feelings of everyone involved, then works together to come up with a solution to the problem. You can see how this approach can become a powerful tool for effective communication.
Becoming a Better Communicator
Focusing on a wise mind approach can be helpful, but it is a skill that will take time to learn. Here are a few more tips to try as you learn to communicate better when your emotions are high.
Take Your Time
When feelings are intense, it can be easy to get swept up in the need to say everything you are thinking and feeling right now. When possible, take some space to process before responding during a conflict situation. Let the person know you need some time to think and gather your emotions and thoughts. This can help you calm your emotions and find your wise mind before things escalate.
Take Turns Listening and Use Reflective Listening
When emotions are high, it is important to make sure everyone involved is heard and understood. Instead of turning a conversation into an interruption match, try taking turns really listening to each other. If you know you will have a chance to express your perspective without being interrupted, it can be easier to offer the same space in return.
Avoid Blame Statements
One of the fastest ways to turn a discussion into an argument is to blame the other person. Whatever the situation, try to avoid placing the blame on someone else for the feelings you are experiencing. It can help to focus on using “I feel…” statements as you talk. Remember that the problem is the problem, not the person in front of you.
Shake It Off (Literally)
Moving your body moves stress hormones through your body, allowing your mind to clear. If you are having trouble accessing your rational mind, try taking a twenty minute walk, dancing hard to a few of your favorite songs, or doing jumping jacks for a few minutes. Approaching the conversation with a clear mind will make a world of difference.
Practice Makes Progress
Learning to become a better communicator takes time, effort, and practice. You won’t ever be perfect, especially in situations that involve a lot of emotion. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from them.
Learning to navigate communication and conflict while honoring your emotions and showing kindness to others is a skill that will take a lifetime to master. Make sure to recognize and celebrate the progress you make along the way. Remember, you don’t have to be a perfect communicator in order to be an effective one!
